Friday Four or Five

1. I got older this week. I have to admit, I love birthdays. I love getting spoiled, I'm not going to lie. But I used to dread that number getting higher. Not anymore. Now I am grateful for every year I am blessed with.

2. The publishing industry can be a hard one. So many high highs and really low lows (and everything in between). But one thing is constant--how awesome all of my CPs and writer friends are. Whether we only communicate through emails and social media, or if you're one of the lucky ones who gets to see me in person and hear my stories about potty training my 3-year-old, I am so grateful for you all. You make the lows bearable and the highs even higher.

3. You know what else makes me happy? A new idea after a long dry spell. I was seriously beginning to wonder if my well had dried up last week. I was racking my brain, desperate for a new WIP to lose myself in. NOTHING CAME. *insert shrieks of horror* So I sat down and started writing. I didn't have an idea for a story, I didn't even know character's names. I just wrote. I got a few paragraphs out and still had no idea what it was. Then, five days later, the rest came to me. Shiny new idea, I love you.

4. Spring is here! Sunshine, 60's, wind... Yep, it's definitely here. And I have to admit, I'm loving it. I feel better than I have in weeks. Months, even. More hopeful. I have some great books on my night stand to read, I have a new project to work on, I have wonderful friends, an amazing family. I am very blessed. After losing Josh, I am trying to never take any of my blessings or the time I have with the people I love for granted ever again.

What's on your mind today?

THE SAVAGE GRACE launch party!

Last night was the release party for Bree Despain's THE SAVAGE GRACE. Bree is such a wonderful person, and I am so excited for her for the release of the final book in THE DARK DIVINE trilogy!

Me, Baby Girl, and Bree.

I've already heard great things about this book, and I can't wait to find out how it all ends! She gave a great talk about how hard it was to write the third book, to let go of these characters. I'm sure Stacey will detail all of that in her blog post over on My Pile of Books. I can't image how hard it would be--but hopefully I'll get the chance to find out someday.

Afterwards, Stacey and I grabbed some Red Mango. It was a fun night! TSG was my belated birthday gift to myself (my birthday was on Monday). Now excuse me while I go dive in.... :-)

Going Forward

I'm going to be honest, I don't know what to post about today.

I'm sure you are all tired of reading about how sad I am, or how much I hate cancer, or anything else like that. This is an author blog after all. But I can't seem to think of what else to blog about that doesn't seem disrespectful in a way. My last two posts were about Josh and Megan, and then to just jump right back into normal posts, trying to be entertaining, somewhat funny, and also inspiring... I can't seem to do it yet.

So instead you get this rambling post. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a very small way, this is a metaphor for life. How long do you allow yourself to mourn, to hold on to the pain, to be afraid to smile, to laugh, to experience joy in abundance? I know Josh would want us all to be happy. But the pain of his loss is still a hole that is there every time I turn around. My heart aches for Megan. But we all have to keep going forward. It will be easier for me than for her. I love Josh, but he was her everything. And yet, she is already such an example. She is already able to smile, to laugh, to joke. Not often, not exuberantly, but she can do it. She is amazing. At the luncheon after the funeral her belt kept coming undone, and she grinned at us and said, "Josh keeps trying to undress me. Oh, Josh." I love that girl and her indomitable spirit.

So, in line with my normal Monday posts, here is a quote that I just found:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,
ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

picking up pieces

One of the hardest parts of tragedy is that life goes on. My sister and I were nearly overcome by that realization on Monday as we sat on the 5th floor of the hospital, staring out at a view of almost the entire Salt Lake Valley. It almost made me dizzy. SO many people. So many lives. Here we were, holding on to each other, struck to the core with pain and sorrow so deep that it grabs you and pulls you inside out, and out there were so many lives continuing on. Life must go on. Even if you want to sit down in a corner and cry for days, you just can't.

You get up and make breakfast. You dress your children. You write and work and clean and keep going.

But every few minutes, you remember. It hits you. Your eyes fill with tears, you pause, you swallow a sob because your sons are watching and they're tired of seeing Mommy cry.

And then you keep going.

Perspective is an interesting thing. How quickly it can change. What constituted a bad day a week ago is quite different than this week.

And at the end of the day, the thing that keeps you going--the thing that makes you able to get up again and make breakfast again and keep going, doing, living--is hope. Hope that someday, somehow, this will all make sense. That wounds will be healed, that hearts will be mended. That happy endings really do exist, and that Megan will be blessed with one. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday.

Hope.

That is my hope for her. For all of us.

sometimes the answer is no

In Loving Memory of
Joshua Lloyd

We prayed for a miracle, that Josh would be healed. Yesterday, as we drove home from the hospital after saying goodbye to him, my husband told me that he wonders if death is as miraculous as birth--just not for those of us who are left behind. He wasn't healed the way we were hoping, but we know he is now free from pain and suffering. He is more healed than we can imagine. He has been welcomed home by his Heavenly Father and loving Savior. He loved Megan so much, and wanted to live so badly, but it was not to be.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts on their behalf. Please continue to remember Megan as she endures this trial.

Josh, we love you. You were an amazing example of faith, of determination, of fighting the good fight. You and Megan have a love that is rare and beautiful--love that lasts through eternity. Stay close to her, be her angel.

We will miss you.

In need of a miracle

Last night we all went to dinner with Megan to celebrate her birthday (it's this weekend).

Here is my cute cousin holding Baby Girl last night. That grin on Megan's face is hiding an enormous amount of heartache and fear.

We just got the news that the HLH is attacking Josh's liver and he is now in liver failure. He's been in the ICU for quite some time now, trying to get him stable enough for his bone marrow transplant, but things keep getting worse. They can't do the transplant with his liver failing, and he won't survive without the transplant. The doctors told Megan that she should consider taking him home.

But we aren't ready to give up just yet. We are asking, one last time, for prayers, fasting, even just thoughts on their behalf--whatever you believe, whatever you are willing to do. He's only 24, he's so strong and so young. It doesn't feel right to throw in the towel.

I personally believe in miracles. I believe in the power of prayer. I never intended to use my blog for religious purposes, but I am a person of faith. And I believe in the power of faith--especially when many can join together. We love Megan and Josh so much, and we are hoping and praying that he can get a miracle. That's what it will take at this point.

We love you guys. We are praying for you.

Wow, she's posting again already?

I know, right?? I'm sorry my blogging is so sporadic these days. Trying to have a set schedule right now isn't working out so well, so I am now the blogger who blogs when inspiration hits.

Today, inspiration hit.

You've probably seen this quote circulating on pinterest or FB. But just in case you haven't, here it is:

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY.


Oh. My. Word.


This is so true -- in all aspects of life. I am the worst at this, constantly comparing myself and finding myself lacking. And it definitely sucks the happiness out of life. I reach a goal, or do something I'm proud of, or have a good day, or WHATEVER. And I feel happy. Elated, even. Until I start thinking about those authors over there who were faster, bigger, better. Or that mom who has a cleaner house, and perfectly dressed children (not two boys who love to dress themselves in questionable outfits in the matching department), AND she's skinnier than me. Even though she's eating a big piece of cake.

Suddenly, I'm not so happy anymore.

See what I mean?

I've got to stop. I'm going to stop. My journey is mine and mine alone. The only person I'm competing with is myself. The only battle is with my own doubts and fears and desires and dreams.

How about you? Do you ever do this? (Please say I'm not alone...)