When is enough, enough?

Have you ever felt like quitting? I don't mean a passing thought because things are hard at the moment. I've been there, and conquered those thoughts pretty easily. I don't even mean closing your computer and stepping back for a day or a week or even a month. I've had to do that, too.

 I mean the type of gut-wrenching, soul searching that leaves you feeling hollow inside. As though you're considering killing forever a part of yourself--part of what makes you who you are.

I have.

I almost did.

Guys, this hasn't been an easy road for me. I kept thinking, I'll wait to talk about how hard things have been for the day when things turn around. I'll wait until I have good news to share so I can say, "See? I didn't give up and now I made it!"

That hasn't happened yet.

But something else did. I looked myself--truly looked at myself, in all my imperfect glory. I stared at the hole that would have opened up inside of me if I truly did give up--forever. I wasn't just talking about taking a break. I'm not good at breaks. I push myself too hard, I expect too much. I was seriously considering giving in to the self-doubt and the pain and the frustration and walking away forever. I knew if I made that decision, it would be final. I'm not a quitter, and to have seriously considered it, I knew it would be something I would have to do 100%. I'd have to completely close off that part of my life, or it would hurt too much.

I tried to decide which would be worse. Would having that hole in my heart, that black, gaping tear in my soul from truly failing (by quitting) be worse? Or would the ongoing hurt from the continual rejection, the pain of feeling like I was never good enough, the seemingly never-ending frustration of always having bad timing, be worse?

I stared at those two, stark realities and I made a decision. I fought through the blackness, I forced myself to keep writing. Because I can't bear not to. I can't bear the thought of having fought for this dream to become reality for six years (after writing books and dreaming of being published my whole life), only to give up now. Are there other roads I could take to be published, to get my books out there? Yes, of course there are. I have good friends who have taken other paths and are very happy with them. But for me, right now, I still want to pursue traditional publishing with a major publisher.

And I refuse to give up. I refuse to quit.

I wish this had a happy ending: and because I didn't quit, now I have _____!! But that hasn't happened yet. What I do have, is a book that I finished by sheer determination, driven by the love for writing that just wouldn't die, no matter how much I wanted it to. I have a story that wouldn't come out for months, driving me absolutely crazy--until I finally figured out what needed to happen, and then the last 40k flew out of my mind and through my fingers in just under a week.

I have a new book that I love, a book that I am so excited about, I can hardly stand it.

And I have renewed hope.

For now, that will have to be enough. And someday, I'll have good news to share. Because I didn't quit.

What about you? Have you ever reached that point? If so, how did you overcome it?

I am an Author

This post was kind of scary to write, and I'm still not sure I should post it. I don't often open up about the struggles I'm going through on my blog. I try to keep it upbeat, fun, positive and all that jazz. But let's face the truth: this business can be really hard.

So, here it is. I have a confession to make. Sometimes (okay, a lot of times) I am very self-deprecating. I tend to deal with disappointments with sarcasm. Am I breaking apart inside? Am I crushed, upset, hurting? Well, let's make a joke at my own expense, get everyone to laugh. Deflect the real pain that's there.

It's probably not a great way to deal with things.

I am surrounded by authors. Amazing, talented, successful authors. I am really good friends with a lot of them, and I have the incredible good fortune of being CPs/beta readers with or for many of them (which means I get to read their insanely good books long before they hit a shelf). I am so lucky and I love them all. It truly is a blessing to have so many blow-your-mind talented friends. This may seem like a tangent, but bear with me for a minute.

The problem is that I haven't reached that point yet--I don't have a book deal, I don't have a book on a shelf, so I don't feel legit. Sometimes, I let my own self-doubt and worry and insecurity lead me to tell myself that I don't really belong. That I'm not a "real author yet."

I make a joke out of it, but it's to cover up my embarrassment, my shame that I've been working tirelessly at this for six years and still don't have a book deal. I have a sweet, wonderfully talented friend who was querying with me back in the fall of 2009. I'd already been in the query trenches for quite some time (okay, a couple of years) and this was her first foray back into them for a long time. (She'd been published by a smaller, local publisher and was seeking national representation for her new book.) Well, here we are years later and her entire trilogy is going to be published this November, and I still don't even have a publishing deal. I often feel like a failure. I've come SO close. Like, seriously, you can't believe how close... but in the end, nothing has worked out yet.

I am still not published. And so I joke and say that I'm not a real author yet. That I don't really belong, but maybe someday... maybe.

Well, guess what? I AM a real author. I've written books. I've actually written a LOT of books. And someday they will be published. Maybe not all of them, but at least some. And I have more books yet to be written. I write every day. I will continue to write, because whether or not I get a book deal this year, or in five years, or never--writing is part of me. There are some really bad days when I say I wish I could just quit. But no matter how bad it gets, or how much I wish I could quit, I can't because writing won't quit me. 

Writing is part of me. It's more than just something I love to do, it's something I have to do.

So, I am an author. And hopefully someday you will be able to see my name on a shelf. But if not, I will still be an author, because no matter what happens, I won't ever stop writing.

A little Shakespeare to start the week

This quote stuck with me when I read it, and thought it would be a good way to start off the week:


"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." -- William Shakespeare


Don't you just love Shakespeare? Doubts really can be stinkers, can't they? I know they can for me. Even with how much I love my new WIP, doubt is hanging in there every step of the way, with every word I write. "Is this actually a good idea?"... "Am I getting any better as an author?" ... "Does this actually totally and completely suck?" You know, minor stuff. Ha ha.

But I have to shove those doubts away, and keep on keeping on. I'm never going to "win any good" if I let my doubts drive me rather than my hopes, dreams, and ultimately my belief in myself. The ironic thing is that no matter how bad I think I may doing while I'm writing something, I inevitably realize it's much better than I thought when I go back to edit it later. Interesting, isn't it? Sometimes I think doubt is a type of self-sabotage to keep us from achieving something really amazing. Our worst doubts seem to attack at the moments when we are actually creating something that exceeds anything we have created before. Maybe it's because we have to stretch to do it--to get to that next level. So, what do you choose to believe in: the doubts? Or the belief that you ARE talented and worthy and able to create something beautiful/amazing/awe-inspiring/or that-at-least-doesn't-suck?

Doubt or belief, which one do you let drive you? What are your deep thoughts for this Monday morning?