DEFY

I've been sitting here for an hour, trying to articulate what I'm feeling at this moment, and I'm truly struggling.

How do I put into words what it feels like to see my book on a shelf after a lifetime of dreaming? How can I explain what it's like to get tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and more, from those of you who have already read DEFY and love it--after decades of writing and hoping and wishing, and eight years of struggling to get published, to finally reach this point, to make this dream a reality? How do I articulate the emotions that filled me when I walked into a bookstore for the first time and saw DEFY sitting on a shelf? Words are my craft, they are everything to me. But they are failing me right now.

There is no way I can truly put into words my excitement, my relief, my nervousness, and above all, my overwhelming joy as DEFY officially enters the world today. I have literally always wanted to be an author, to be published. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude to those who have made this day possible.

So many friends and family have supported me through all the years of struggling, rejection, perseverance, and ultimately success. I tried to name most of them in my acknowledgments, so I won't repeat that here. But to the key people who brought DEFY into the world, thank you. Truly, thank you.

To Josh, for believing and making it happen.

To Lisa, for loving this story as much as I do and for giving it wings.

To my children for being so patient and loving. I hope that someday you will be proud of what your mommy has accomplished, even if it meant she had to work sometimes, when you wished she could play. I may have given you life, but you three are my life. I love you more than I could ever say, and no book I have ever written or will ever write, is more important than the three beautiful, amazing spirits that I have the privilege of claiming as my own for these short years of childhood.

And above all, to my husband. Not only for always believing, no matter how impossible my dream seemed, but for loving me. I am infinitely more flawed than any character I have ever written, and I am so grateful to you for your unwavering devotion and support, despite that. And also, for claiming that you don't care when the house is a mess because I'm in the throes of a new draft or deep in the revision cave with a deadline looming. You are my everything.

I love this book. I love these characters, with all of their flaws and strengths. I love their journeys, and what they taught me as I wrote DEFY.

This story means so much to me. It is a part of me, and as I give it to the world, it takes with it a piece of my heart and soul.

But it is no longer mine. I may have written the words, but the story now belongs to you, my readers.

My only hope is that you will find a piece of yourself within these pages, and maybe, just maybe, a piece of your heart, too.

The Big Apple

In my last post, I promised a recap of my trip to NYC. And you know me (or if you don't, you will soon learn): that means picture overload!! (and also a plethora of CAPS and PUNCTUATION!!!) ;-)

I still can't quite believe it really happened. A large portion of my brain is still pretty sure it was a prolonged dream. The only reason I'm sure it wasn't all in my head is because I took pictures to prove it happened. Not to be corny, but it was, quite literally, a dream come true.

So here we go: Sara's first time in NYC!

In the air, still unable to believe this is really happening! I was also so nervous... not quite sure how I was going to handle being in NYC by myself. This might sound silly, but I was told my hotel was within walking distance of the Scholastic offices--only 7 blocks. Cue UT girl freak out. I'm supposed to walk 7 BLOCKS in my HEELS in a massive city BY MYSELF?? I was working on my whistle so I'd be ready to get a cab.

(My Hotel Lobby)

 And then I got to NYC and all my fear disappeared. As we drove through the streets I learned two things: 1. I LOVE NYC. And 2. It would be much faster to walk than take a cab. Holy traffic jam!

 (View in front of my hotel)

I had a little bit of time before I was supposed to meet Editor Lisa for dinner, and I decided to go wander around the city a little bit. (Like I said--all fear was gone.)

 (Me, being a nerdy tourist in front of my hotel)

Walking up and down the streets of NYC - this is Broadway. You guys, I can't even begin to tell you how much I loved it here. There was such an amazing, cool energy in the city. I couldn't wipe the grin off of my face as I wandered around, taking it all in. If I weren't married with 3 kids, I think I'd be tempted to up and move here. Not forever, but maybe for a year. It was just so... I don't know. I just loved it!

 Then I got to meet Editor Lisa for the first time in person and we went to dinner at this amazing restaurant in SoHo. She was kind enough to let me take pictures with her, even though she was due in only a couple of weeks. She's so beautiful and wonderful! I honestly can't imagine a more perfect editor for me and DEFY.

 My delicious breakfast as I got ready for my luncheon with Scholastic! I got up early, even though it was SUPER early for this UT girl, so I could have time to wander around the city some more. I brought a big bag to carry my stuff in--including my heels--put on my flip flops (yep, with my fancy outfit) and headed out the door!

 Anyone else out there a fan of FELICITY? My sisters and I used to watch it all the time, so I had to take a pic and send it to them!

 I found a (relatively safe looking) stranger to take this nerdy picture for me in front of the Scholastic building (complete with my awesome flip flops haha). She positioned that street sign just perfectly, don't you think? ha. Oh well! Here I am!

 Coolest building ever, right?? Notice how there are two doors--one said "Scholastic Store" and one said "Scholastic" with the Bldg number on it. So, being the savvy tourist/author that I am, I decided to go into the store first, and then head over to the other door and go to my luncheon.

 When I walked in, there was this huge lobby with security guards... weird for a store, right? But oh well, whatever! Nice to know my book will be well guarded once it's on those shelves.

 After I wandered back out front, I asked one of the nice security guards to take my picture with Harry. He asked if I liked the store and I told him how cool I thought it was, and then said, "My book is going to be back there in five months!" He was excited for me and asked me about it, so I told him a little bit about it and that I was actually there for a luncheon with my editor. "So, I better get going!" I said and breezily waved and walked out of the door. A different door than I walked in. And yet it still didn't click. I blame it on the nerves. So, anyway, I walk out, turn left to go in the "other door" and realize I'm past the Scholastic building. WHAT? I panic for half a second, until it FINALLY dawns on me. HELL-O! I had to turn around and go back in that door I'd just walked out of, straight up to those same two security guards and said, "Remember how I said I was a totally dork? Yeah, um, I need to go upstairs and see Lisa Sandell." I still can't believe I was so dumb. Haha. Oh well! The guard was very nice not to laugh at me as he printed off my badge and buzzed me through to go upstairs.

 Me and Lisa in her office with my ARCs of DEFY!! 

 The luncheon was absolutely amazing. I loved meeting the other authors there, and all of the incredible people at Scholastic. I'm so incredibly blessed to be working with all of them!! It was so fun to talk to people who love my book and are as excited about it as I am. I can't even put it into words.

 Just a few of the awesome people at Scholastic - Sheila Marie (my publicist), Bess and Emily! I don't want to go on and on, but this day was just... wow. I don't have words.

 The skyline on my way back to the airport. I hope I can stay longer next time and see more of the Big Apple, but I was also so excited to get back to my family. It was so strange to be the one on a business trip instead of SHH!

And speaking of him... he surprised me with the best "car service" (and sign) of the whole trip! Have I mentioned that I'm so blessed??

If you're still reading this -  congrats! You made it! That's the end of the recap. Phew, right? But here's the thing. So much of this journey is hard. Years of rejections, being told no over and over... Feeling like you're not good enough and never will be, and yet you somehow keep pressing on. I did that for seven years. It struck me the other day--I've been trying to get published for almost the entire time my oldest son has been alive. I started writing again and pursuing publication when he was eight or nine months old. He's 8 now. And it's finally happening. 

I don't know what lies ahead of me--I don't know how well DEFY will do. I don't know how many more books I'll be able to publish. I don't know--and can't control--SO MANY THINGS. But I can control one thing: enjoying the journey right now. 

And that's what this post is. Putting down my feelings right now, my happiness and excitement. So I can always come back to this and remember. I've learned this very important lesson through all these years and years of dreaming and working and hoping: You have to celebrate any success that comes, no matter how big or small. Savor the happiness that is there; find the joy and cling to it. 

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this. Right now, I am happy. And that is an amazing feeling.