On overcoming doubt...

I think one of the hardest ongoing battles we authors fight is the war against doubt.

We come up with ideas, that to us seem unique and exciting. We love our characters. We pour our heart and souls into our books. They are a piece of us. But if what we want is to get published, then we have to take all of that hope and love and blood, sweat, and tears, and package it up in a little email and hit send. All with the prayer that someone is going to read what we wrote and ask to read some more. And maybe, hopefully, love it as much as we do, and ask to represent us.

Then you get to do it all over again when your agent sends your book out to editors.

Now, in a perfect, wonderful world, you would write your book, send it to ten agents, get ten offers, and then sell at auction within a week of going on submission. Right? Ah... the dream.

The reality is that most of us get to go through this horrible little detour on our path to success called REJECTION. Over the seven years it took for me to get my publishing deal, I accumulated hundreds of rejections. HUNDREDS people. That starts to sting after a while, no matter how nicely worded they were.

Enter my old nemesis: DOUBT.

When you keep getting told no, it's hard not to doubt yourself. To not start to wonder if your story is original enough (without being TOO original, because that can be scary to publishing folks, too). It's hard not to look at this piece of your heart and soul and wonder if it isn't good enough. And unfortunately, that can bleed over into real life. At least it did for me. Oftentimes I started to wonder if I wasn't good enough.

But here's the thing: the rejection never really ends. Not even after you do get an agent who loves your book as much as you do. Not even after an editor nabs your book and showers it with love and praise. Not even if you do sell at auction and get a hundred starred reviews, and make the top of every list.  (Which I obviously didn't or haven't, but I'm using my imagination here...) There will still be those who don't like you book, who maybe even attack it--and maybe even you.

And that doubt can wiggle and worm it's way into the happiest of moments, if you let it, because there will ALWAYS be people who don't like your writing, or your characters, or you-name-it. Reading is so subjective, which is simultaneously the most wonderful and terrifying part of being an author. It means, even if one person didn't like it, someone else will. But the opposite is also true.

So how do you handle it? How do you overcome the doubts and fears and rejection and keep going?

You surround yourself with people who love you and support you. You take part in real life, not just the book world. I'm lucky enough to be friends with some authors who are much wiser than I am, who help  teach me how to deal with all of this much better than I otherwise would. In fact, I was having a conversation with Ally Condie recently about all of this--dealing with doubt/rejection/etc, and she said some things that really stuck with me. She told me that when someone says something mean about your books or writing or anything else it hurts your feelings, but when something bad happens to your kids, that's what really kills you. (And this is true of all moms, I'm sure.) She told me, "I love my books, but my books are not my babies. My BABIES are my babies." And that is the honest truth--and something that has really stuck in my mind. My true loves are my husband, my children, and my family and my friends. My books and my characters are a huge part of me, and it hurts when people don't like them. But, as the release of DEFY grows ever closer, and more and more people start reading it, I know that I am going to have to deal with both sides of this equation: the love and the dislike that is bound to come.

And on the days when I struggle with doubt, because those negative reviews are going to come, and I know it, I will go read a couple of the letters and reviews that brought tears to my eyes because they were so wonderful. I will reread the letter my editor wrote me in the front of my arc. I will remember all the rejections that got me to where I am now, and know that not everyone is going to love my book and that's okay.

And then I will go hug my real babies, and remember that in the end, I did the best I could. I wrote the best book I could. I love DEFY, I love Alexa and Rylan and Damian, and in the end, that is what matters. And then I will go play another game of hide-and-go-seek with my kids.

So what's the point of this long post? I guess this: I don't have a magic formula to make it so you never have to suffer from rejection or doubt or fear. It's always there. Even for authors who have multiple published books and all sorts of accolades. There is always the fear of rejection. There are always the doubts, the worries that this time, they're going to figure out that you are a fraud. So all any of us can do is write the best book we know how, never give up, and when the day comes that you do get published, try to focus on the good. And then go outside, go for a walk, play with your kids, talk to a friend, go to a movie or to a football game or whatever it is that you enjoy.


And if I ever get down because of a bad review, will you remind me to do the same thing? Thanks. :-)


Now, for those of you who actually made it to the bottom of this post, congrats!! Here's your reward: Next week marks the 3 month mark until DEFY comes out! So, on October 7, I am going to start my first contest to win a signed ARC of DEFY + chances for signed swag for a few other lucky people!!

Here's the catch: I'm still trying to decide what exactly to do for this contest. Give me a suggestion in the comments, and if I love your idea enough to pick it, you'll win signed DEFY swag! So put on those thinking caps, and give it your best shot! (I reserve the right to not pick anyone's if nothing feels quite right. But I have faith that you will come up with something awesome!) Good luck!

The Big Apple

In my last post, I promised a recap of my trip to NYC. And you know me (or if you don't, you will soon learn): that means picture overload!! (and also a plethora of CAPS and PUNCTUATION!!!) ;-)

I still can't quite believe it really happened. A large portion of my brain is still pretty sure it was a prolonged dream. The only reason I'm sure it wasn't all in my head is because I took pictures to prove it happened. Not to be corny, but it was, quite literally, a dream come true.

So here we go: Sara's first time in NYC!

In the air, still unable to believe this is really happening! I was also so nervous... not quite sure how I was going to handle being in NYC by myself. This might sound silly, but I was told my hotel was within walking distance of the Scholastic offices--only 7 blocks. Cue UT girl freak out. I'm supposed to walk 7 BLOCKS in my HEELS in a massive city BY MYSELF?? I was working on my whistle so I'd be ready to get a cab.

(My Hotel Lobby)

 And then I got to NYC and all my fear disappeared. As we drove through the streets I learned two things: 1. I LOVE NYC. And 2. It would be much faster to walk than take a cab. Holy traffic jam!

 (View in front of my hotel)

I had a little bit of time before I was supposed to meet Editor Lisa for dinner, and I decided to go wander around the city a little bit. (Like I said--all fear was gone.)

 (Me, being a nerdy tourist in front of my hotel)

Walking up and down the streets of NYC - this is Broadway. You guys, I can't even begin to tell you how much I loved it here. There was such an amazing, cool energy in the city. I couldn't wipe the grin off of my face as I wandered around, taking it all in. If I weren't married with 3 kids, I think I'd be tempted to up and move here. Not forever, but maybe for a year. It was just so... I don't know. I just loved it!

 Then I got to meet Editor Lisa for the first time in person and we went to dinner at this amazing restaurant in SoHo. She was kind enough to let me take pictures with her, even though she was due in only a couple of weeks. She's so beautiful and wonderful! I honestly can't imagine a more perfect editor for me and DEFY.

 My delicious breakfast as I got ready for my luncheon with Scholastic! I got up early, even though it was SUPER early for this UT girl, so I could have time to wander around the city some more. I brought a big bag to carry my stuff in--including my heels--put on my flip flops (yep, with my fancy outfit) and headed out the door!

 Anyone else out there a fan of FELICITY? My sisters and I used to watch it all the time, so I had to take a pic and send it to them!

 I found a (relatively safe looking) stranger to take this nerdy picture for me in front of the Scholastic building (complete with my awesome flip flops haha). She positioned that street sign just perfectly, don't you think? ha. Oh well! Here I am!

 Coolest building ever, right?? Notice how there are two doors--one said "Scholastic Store" and one said "Scholastic" with the Bldg number on it. So, being the savvy tourist/author that I am, I decided to go into the store first, and then head over to the other door and go to my luncheon.

 When I walked in, there was this huge lobby with security guards... weird for a store, right? But oh well, whatever! Nice to know my book will be well guarded once it's on those shelves.

 After I wandered back out front, I asked one of the nice security guards to take my picture with Harry. He asked if I liked the store and I told him how cool I thought it was, and then said, "My book is going to be back there in five months!" He was excited for me and asked me about it, so I told him a little bit about it and that I was actually there for a luncheon with my editor. "So, I better get going!" I said and breezily waved and walked out of the door. A different door than I walked in. And yet it still didn't click. I blame it on the nerves. So, anyway, I walk out, turn left to go in the "other door" and realize I'm past the Scholastic building. WHAT? I panic for half a second, until it FINALLY dawns on me. HELL-O! I had to turn around and go back in that door I'd just walked out of, straight up to those same two security guards and said, "Remember how I said I was a totally dork? Yeah, um, I need to go upstairs and see Lisa Sandell." I still can't believe I was so dumb. Haha. Oh well! The guard was very nice not to laugh at me as he printed off my badge and buzzed me through to go upstairs.

 Me and Lisa in her office with my ARCs of DEFY!! 

 The luncheon was absolutely amazing. I loved meeting the other authors there, and all of the incredible people at Scholastic. I'm so incredibly blessed to be working with all of them!! It was so fun to talk to people who love my book and are as excited about it as I am. I can't even put it into words.

 Just a few of the awesome people at Scholastic - Sheila Marie (my publicist), Bess and Emily! I don't want to go on and on, but this day was just... wow. I don't have words.

 The skyline on my way back to the airport. I hope I can stay longer next time and see more of the Big Apple, but I was also so excited to get back to my family. It was so strange to be the one on a business trip instead of SHH!

And speaking of him... he surprised me with the best "car service" (and sign) of the whole trip! Have I mentioned that I'm so blessed??

If you're still reading this -  congrats! You made it! That's the end of the recap. Phew, right? But here's the thing. So much of this journey is hard. Years of rejections, being told no over and over... Feeling like you're not good enough and never will be, and yet you somehow keep pressing on. I did that for seven years. It struck me the other day--I've been trying to get published for almost the entire time my oldest son has been alive. I started writing again and pursuing publication when he was eight or nine months old. He's 8 now. And it's finally happening. 

I don't know what lies ahead of me--I don't know how well DEFY will do. I don't know how many more books I'll be able to publish. I don't know--and can't control--SO MANY THINGS. But I can control one thing: enjoying the journey right now. 

And that's what this post is. Putting down my feelings right now, my happiness and excitement. So I can always come back to this and remember. I've learned this very important lesson through all these years and years of dreaming and working and hoping: You have to celebrate any success that comes, no matter how big or small. Savor the happiness that is there; find the joy and cling to it. 

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this. Right now, I am happy. And that is an amazing feeling. 

What do you do?

Life is all about change, right? As much as we might hate it, it's inevitable. Nothing stays the same forever.

So what do you do when the path you're on takes a sudden detour--and it's not exactly the one you want to be on?

As an example, let's take running. A couple of my friends were talking about running and races on Twitter today and so running is really on my brain right now. Anyone who has followed my blog for a while knows that I am (was?) a runner. I've run a few half marathons, and I loved it. Don't get me wrong, they are hard, but there's nothing quite like that high when you blast past the finish line and realize you really did it.

But the last one I did (when I PR'd by 28 minutes) really jacked up my knee. It's almost been a year, and I still can't run more than about 2-3 miles before it starts to hurt. I finally caved in and went to a sports medicine specialist a few months ago and found out I have arthritis in my knee and the more I run the faster it'll progress. I just turned 30 and I have arthritis. THAT SUCKS. Talk about a course change. He gave me some exercises to do to see if it helps, but he told me, "you might want to think about taking up biking or swimming."

It was devastating news. I'm not a natural runner. Yes, I have long legs, but they don't seem to want to take me places very fast. I've had to work REALLY HARD to get my speed up and break that two hour mark for my last half. I was thinking I'd finally attempt a marathon after that race, and then this happened. Sudden detour, much?

Running was more than just about beating a clock, or doing races, though. It was an escape. It was an accomplishment. There's something powerful about pushing your body through the pain and desire to quit and finish 13.1 miles running strong. I can only imagine what 26.2 would be like now, since he told me there's no way I should ever do a marathon unless I want to have (another)
knee surgery. It's been a rough adjustment not being able to get out there and pound out the miles. To not get that runner's high once in a while that keeps you lacing up and heading out, even in the snow or rain or cold or heat. I still worked out, but it's not the same.

So what now? When you get thrown a curve ball, what do you do?

I've heard the saying that when God closes a door, he opens a window. I'm still waiting for my window. Maybe once we can buy me a road bike and I can start putting in the (non-impact) miles, I'll find it. Maybe if I pull out my old swim team suit and goggles and get back in the pool, I'll find it. I don't think God just sets those windows right in front of us, so that we can find them while we're stuck moping on our behinds. Do you? Or maybe I'll adjust to only running short distances and find joy in that. Whatever it might be, I'm not going to give up.

My path to getting published was full of unwanted detours. Years to get an agent, years with the wrong agent (who was wonderful, but just not the right fit for me), nine more months to get another agent... it was rough. It was full of potholes and re-calculations and adjustments. But I kept going, I kept altering my course and trying, and wow. I am SO SO happy now. That window I found? It's been absolutely a dream come true. But it took seven years to get here. SEVEN YEARS. Oy.

So what detours have you been forced into taking in your life? Were you able to find joy and happiness, even if the path wasn't what you thought you originally wanted to be on?

Beauty in all things - joy and hardship

Yep, prepare yourself: it's time for a philosophical post as I look back at the last year.

 

It has been quite the year, both personally and professionally. It's had some ups, and boy has it had some downs. We lost Josh to cancer, my sweet little dog was killed by a deer, I decided to part ways with my agent, I spent months writing, revising, and querying, I completed 2 half-marathons--meeting my goal of finishing in under two hours--but hurt my knee so I had to stop running for months. I got rejections. LOTS of rejections. And more.

 

I've been low, very, very low. There have been a lot of dark days in 2012.  

 

But I've also had some amazing highs--there is so much beauty in my life. Out of pain and sorrow can come the sweetest joy. They say that you can only experience happiness in relation to how much sorrow you've experienced. In other words, the more bitter your trials, pain, and sorrow, the more sweet your joy and happiness when blessings flow in.

 

I have three amazing children, when there was a long, dark period of my life when I thought we would never be able to have more children. I was able to put on my "dream" butterfly-themed 1st birthday party for my baby girl--the baby girl I wasn't sure I'd ever have. I have an amazing, supportive husband who ALWAYS believed, even when I was at rock-bottom--and who loves me no matter what. I have family and friends who are there for me, supporting and loving me, every step of the way. I could go on and on.

 

And as far as my writing goes, I never gave up, and eventually... The sun finally broke through the clouds. I've had the same quote at the top of my blog since I began it years ago.

 

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

I have clung to that hope, to those dreams, to that elusive future for SO long.

 

Just last week, I was driving home from taking SonB to preschool, and as I turned into my neighborhood, I saw this spectacular scene and had to stop to take a picture. It had been a dark, gloomy start to the day, fog obscured the sun all morning. But by afternoon, the light began to break through as the fog dissipated. And this glorious view was mine to enjoy for a brief moment as I drove home. It was pure luck, and perfect timing, that I happened to see this. Within a minute or less after stopping, the fog and clouds had moved, and even though it was still pretty, it wasn't stunning like this one moment had been when you could see the sun's rays shining down. For just that brief minute, the fog and the sun lined up perfectly to create this moment of breathtaking beauty.

Life is a lot like that. When you look for the beauty, you'll find it. Even if it's just one brief, glorious moment--a result of a little bit of luck, and maybe even some perfect timing.

For a year full of ups and downs, it is definitely ending on a major upswing. I feel like right now is one of those moments when the sun's rays are bursting through and a bright, new future is finally in reach.

The future has never looked brighter, and I can't wait to share all the good things in store with all of you--my loyal friends, family, and followers!

I hope that as you look back on this year, you can also see the beauty despite any pain or sorrow or struggles you may have endured. And I hope that you never stop believing in the beauty of your dreams!

News! (And it's mine this time)

Wow. I'm not going to lie, there were times over the last nine months when I really thought I'd never get to write this post. Those of you who have followed my blog for a while probably noticed that in February, I quietly took the name of my agent off of my bio. I never made a public announcement that I had decided to part ways with her, but I'm sure most of you have figured it out by now. It was a gut-wrenching decision, and one it took me a looong time to make, for many reasons. The biggest being that she was so nice, and had worked hard on my behalf, and still believed in my books. But sometimes, things just don't work out the way you hope, and over time, you realize that even though you're both nice, professional people, you aren't the best match to be working together. But it was so hard to actually do it--especially because it had been so hard to get an agent the first time. I had really amazing family and friends (some who had been where I was and things worked out great for them the second time around) that encouraged me, and believed in me.

So I did it. I wrote her and waited my thirty days and then I was officially un-agented again. I was freaking out.

And then I started querying. I got requests. I started to feel hopeful. Until the rejections came in. Ouch, those really hurt. Especially when I'm questioning myself the whole time: why did I do this? Why am I querying agents again when I could be on sub with editors?? And the rejections were all the same: your writing is excellent, this story is great, but the timing is wrong.

In the meantime, we had a terrible tragedy in our family. Again, for all who've followed me for a while, you'll remember what happened at the end of February (right when my thirty days were almost up): we lost Josh to cancer.

I was in a dark place. I was full of grief. The stark reality of death for someone so young was hard to bear. But out of that grief came two books: I started them within a week of each other, but ended up putting aside the fantasy (which is what I usually write to some degree), and focused on the light sci-fi (something I'd never attempted before), because I thought the timing might be better. I finished that book, revised it, and when it became clear the book I was querying was just not going to make it because the timing wasn't right, I switched and began to query the light sci-fi one, FINDING JANE.

I got requests. LOTS of requests. I got such amazing feedback, but after four months, still no offers. During that time, I was trying to write the fantasy, but man... that book just didn't want to come out. As the months wore on, I was as low as could be. (You may recall a post or two about that, and me trying to overcome it.) I have hit rock bottom quite a few times on this LOOOOONG journey of mine. And every time I think I can't get lower. But then I do. But everytime, not matter how bad it is, I somehow drag myself up and keep going. This last time was the closest I've been to actually quitting. To walking away--forever. But I didn't. As I wrote about in September, I kept going, and I finished my fantasy, DAUGHTER OF WAR.

I sent it out to beta's. I waited. I read my feedback. I made myself think about it, mull it over, and then attack my revision with everything I had. I knew this book was special. I knew it was the best thing I'd ever written, and I needed to do it justice.

When there wasn't anything else to do to make it better on my own, I knew it was time to start querying. That was Monday of last week. On Tuesday night, I queried an amazing agent who requested the full in ten minutes. I was cautiously excited.

And then. The NEXT DAY--only about fifteen hours later--I got an email from this agent. I pulled over to read it (I was on the way to drop my son off at preschool). And I started screaming, laughing and crying all at once. We spoke that night and I was just blown away by her enthusiasm and love for my book.

But there were also other agents who had it, and who ended up interested in my book. I'll be honest, I've dreamt of being the girl with multiple offers from agents (it didn't happen the first time). It was so exciting and wonderful--but it was also SO hard. I really loved more than one agent, and I was so torn. But I knew after speaking to one particular agent that he was the right choice. Everything just clicked when I spoke to him and in our subsequent emails.

So it is with great excitement and happiness that I get to announce that I am now represented by the amazing JOSH ADAMS of Adams Literary!!!

This is has been such a long journey, and ended up in such a whirlwind this last week, my head is still spinning. But I am so excited for this new direction in my career and for all that lies ahead. I can't wait to share DAUGHTER OF WAR with you all--hopefully sooner than later!

What do you do?

I'm a fast writer. Or, at least, I used to be.

 I don't say that to brag, because fast doesn't equal good or better or anything other than the fact that the speed with which I write my manuscripts is pretty quick. I also edit and revise fast. And I read fast, too. Cue random tangent down memory lane: In fact, when I was in middle school, my summer break was filled with books. I would go to the library and check out a stack of books so high I could barely lift them. Then I'd go through them so fast, I was often back the same week to return them and find new ones. I'd read at least one, sometimes two or three books a day. I also was on swim and dive team and had friends and other stuff, so I wasn't just locked in my room reading 24/7. I was just... fast.

So. Why am I telling you this?

Because these last few weeks... I have hit a wall. And I am the dead opposite of fast. My new WIP started off normal. I busted out about 40 pages in a few days, maybe five or six. It was back in February or March, so I don't remember. Then I got this OTHER idea and I ran with that one instead. I wrote that book, edited and revised and edited and revised, all the while toying with my previous idea here and there.

Well, now the second book is done and out of my hands. So I'm back to working on the first one. Right now I'm on page 53. That's 13 pages in about, oh, a month. PEOPLE. What is wrong with me??

Granted, I've been taking kind of a philosophical journey of sorts. (See Renee for more details on what that means.) But still. I should be doing better than 13 pages in this amount of time.

What do you do when you're stuck? Or when the words just won't flow?

I think a lot of it is stemming from insecurity. I'm really worried that I'm just not good enough--that maybe I never will be. And it's putting a major block on my ability to create. But I sit down and force myself to keep going. I want this to be a career, so I treat it like it is one already. I put in the time, no matter how easy or hard it is. But recently, it's been downright painful. To only eek out a few paragraphs in an hour? It makes me want to throw my computer against a wall. Or my head. Or something. But instead I take a deep breath and go to bed and tell myself, "Tomorrow it'll come back. Tomorrow will be a better day."

I'm still telling myself that, hoping it'll be true one of these days. Once inspiration hits, I can knock a first draft out in a couple of weeks, or a month. I know I CAN do it. If inspiration like that hits again, like it usually (eventually) does. But if not? I will just keep on writing my page a day and eventually, I'll have another manuscript completed.

Do you ever have a hard time letting the words come out? Do you ever question your ability as an author?

Phwew! That was heavy...

Do you remember that phrase from Back to the Future? It was supposed to be all cool and futuristic. And now that movie is so old, most of my target audience for my books (YA) probably have never even seen it.

Anyway, the point is.... wow, that post yesterday was heavy. And yet you guys completely and totally lifted me up. THANK YOU so much for every comment and email. I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me. Hugs for everyone! Unless you don't like hugs. Or if you're shorter than me and then that awkward moment happens when your face is in an inopportune location and I have to kind of shlump down and it's just totally lame. Let's just throw out cupcakes instead. CAKE FOR EVERYONE!

And you know what? I was sick to my stomach about posting that yesterday morning, but by the afternoon, I was so much happier. And then last night, as I was driving my three amazing kids home from SonA's baseball tournament (the last sporting event for two months until soccer starts up again!! YAY!!), we had the windows rolled down, Muse (Best. Music. EVER.) was blasting, and we were all rocking out. It was a perfect moment. We were laughing, dancing, singing. The wind was blowing through the car, the sun was setting, it was amazing.

So you know what? Yes, sometimes life is hard. Sometimes things don't go how we hope. Sometimes I'm not as kind as I want to be, and sometimes others are not kind to me. BUT. Life is beautiful. There is joy to be found in the journey every day.

I am grateful for how sad I was when I wrote that post yesterday morning, because it made the joy of driving home with my family that much sweeter last night.