Done and done

Remember that half-marathon I was super nervous for last Friday? It's over. Yay!

 Me and Lauren carb loading at The OG on Friday night

I couldn't sleep Friday night. And then my alarm went off at 3:35 and it was time to get up and get ready and go. Every time I go for a long run, or have to roll out of bed in the middle of the night for a race, I think... "Why am I doing this? I'm never doing this again."

And then you get to the parking lot with thousands of other crazy people like yourself, and you start to get excited. By the time you're lined up at the starting line, the adrenaline is pumping and I remember why I'm doing this again.



 After the race -- we did it!

 I was so excited to have my family cheering for me as I sprinted to the finish line! (My mom and other sister were there, too, but we didn't get a pic with them.)

And guess what?? I finished in under 2 hours! I have never been a runner, except for short distance sprints until this last year. I used to try and run with my mom when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, and I would be fine for about a mile... and then I'd start to taste blood in my throat and my side would kill and my knees would kill (I do have bad knees), and I'd pretty much limp the rest of the way home. It was pathetic.

But then my mom and my sister ran a half marathon together and I thought, I want to do that! If they can do it, I can do it!

I ran my first race (a 10k) the month I got pregnant with Baby Girl, less than 2 years ago. The last couple of miles were so hard, but I made myself finish. The minute I crossed that finish line, the pain was gone, the exhaustion was gone, I was completely exhilarated. That sense of accomplishment was incredible--it was such a high. And I got hooked. But I also got pregnant. And had all sorts of complications and eventually got put on bedrest. So the running had to be put on hold. After I had her, I knew exercise was a great treatment for my PPD, and I kept thinking about that high from finishing my 10k. Feeling brave (and also wanting motivation) I decided to sign up for the Halloween Half, 4 months and 1 day after she was born. I did a couple of posts about that, and how hard it was, but what an amazing feeling it was to finish my first half-marathon. I did it in 2:27 or so.

Now, less than a year later, I shaved almost 29 minutes off my time! So you can see why I am so excited! But unfortunately, my cute sis is going back to college and the ballet program, so she has to stop running and get back into ballet-shape. Maybe sometime in the future we'll get to be running partners again. But for now, I'm just so thrilled that I reached this goal. I CAN do hard things! Because trust me, that was a HARD run by the end. I just forced myself to keep going, to keep pushing, knowing the end was near. And I've been feeling it all weekend. My left knee felt like someone hit my with a sledgehammer all day on Saturday. It's quite a bit better now, thankfully.

Forcing myself to keep going, to keep pushing, and achieving that goal taught me a lot about myself. About my body. About the power of my mind. About the strength of my will.

Remember that post from last week, about how I AM an author, because I will never give up, I will always write--no matter what results I get? I guess, now I can say, I AM a runner, too. I may never run a half in the 1:30's or 1:20's like some of my friends, but for the girl who couldn't run more than a mile not too long ago, I'm so excited for where I am.

What goal have you accomplished that you're proud of?

Return of the Friday Four or Five

So, it's been a while since I've done this, but it used to be a regular feature on my blog. I figured I'd try to be better at doing it again. Here's what's on my mind today...

1. My third half marathon is tomorrow morning and I am really nervous. You'd think I'd be getting progressively less nervous for each race, rather than having it get worse. Well, you'd be wrong. I could barely sleep last night (which doesn't bode well for tonight, when I know my alarm is going to be going off at 3:30 am). Then Baby Girl decided to wake up at 6:30am. I'm tired, my stomach is all icky with nerves, and the race isn't even until tomorrow. Heh.

Me and my cute sister Lauren who I'm running the race with. She's a Speedy McSpeedster, so that might be a big part of why I'm so nervous... 

2. I went to Kiersten White's signing for ENDLESSLY at The King's English last night after our packet pick up. I can't believe her trilogy is done! So happy for her and excited to find out how Evie's story ends!

Me (looking like a giant, even though I wore flat shoes) and the hysterical and cute Kiersten White. 

Me (crouching down so I don't look like a giant again) and the wonderfully talented and super darling Natalie Whipple. Her book comes out in May and trust me, you want to put TRANSPARENT on your TBR list asap. It's SO SO good. 

Me, my cute sister, and Stacey from My Pile of Books (and my sweet friend)

3. I finally got a chance to read THE GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS by Rae Carson. I'd heard so many good things about this book and it definitely lived up to the hype. I can't wait for the sequel to come out in September!

4. Thank you all for your amazing response to my last post. Your comments, tweets, rt's, FB messages, and emails meant more to me than I can express. It's so wonderful to know that we're not alone and that so many of us share the same emotions and struggles--and hopefully triumphs someday, too. So, again, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

5. Did I mention I'm nervous for tomorrow? And that I'm already exhausted? Heh, heh. Not good. Wish me luck.... pretty sure I'm going to need it.

So, tell me, what's on your mind today?

Friday Musings

Whoa. What the haystack happened to blogger? I'm somewhat bewildered right now. I go to write a blog post and the whole thing is different.

Anyway, so I guess I'm still doing the race tomorrow. Regardless of my lack of training because of everything that has happened in the last couple of months and my achilles tendon bugging me, I will be there bright and early, and I will finish. I might just be REALLY slow, heh.

But that brings me to what I've been thinking about a lot this week. The day before my last race (my first half-marathon ever) was Josh's birthday. It was the first time he'd been admitted to the hospital with complications with his chemo. It was the first time those horrible fevers showed up--and then never went away. We took Baby Girl with us and headed up to the hospital to visit him, to take him a little present and some ice cream for his birthday. I dedicated that last race to him, believing 100% that he would be running the Halloween Half with us next time.

I still can't believe he's really gone.

He got me through that last race. I'd never gone that far in my life, and it was a really rough run for some reason. I started to lose energy at mile 5, which was crazy. My 11 mile run two weeks before was cake in comparison (only the last mile was hard). But the thought of him fighting cancer, of how I'd dedicated my race to him is what got me through it. I had tears in my eyes for the last three miles and I had this burst of energy every time I thought about him and that's how I finished strong.

I think every race I ever run will remind me of him, since he got me through my first. The pain of his loss is still fresh, and tomorrow will be an emotional day for me I think. But maybe this time he will be running it with me, just not in the way I'd hoped.

I love you and miss you Josh. We all do. 

Injuries suck

So, you know how I mentioned that I'm supposed to be running a half marathon this Saturday in my last post?

Yeah.

Somehow I've hurt my Achilles tendon. I was walking around on Sunday (barefoot mind you) and it randomly started to hurt. Like, a LOT. I didn't do anything to make it hurt that I know of, so I'm not quite sure what to think. I ran on Monday, just an easy 2 mile run to see how it would feel, and it was okay, though still a little sore. Nothing like Sunday. But, now I'm not sure if I should do my race or not.

Do you ever hit unexpected road bumps on your path - whether it be training for a race or trying to get published or something else? Of course you do, it's part of life. Things happen. Unexpected things happen. Sometimes they're good things and sometimes, not so much.

I guess the trick is recognizing when it's okay to keep pushing forward, to endure and persevere and all of that. And when is the time to back off, to rest for a while, or reroute your plan.

I paid $70 for this race though, and I'm not magnanimous enough to want to just donate that much money to them. I think it's silly enough to pay someone for the "opportunity" to go run 13.1 miles, let alone to say, "well, I was going to run your race but something came up, so here, please take my money! Enjoy it!" So I'll probably still go and if I have to walk the darn thing so that I don't permanently injure my tendon, then that's what I'll do. Hopefully it's a scenic route!

How about you? Hit any unexpected road bumps recently?

Good News... and even greater news!!

So... first, the good news. A recap of my race:

Here we are, sitting in a "heated tent" (it didn't feel heated for at least an hour after we got there), waiting for over three hours for our race to start. Some of us (and I think it's pretty easy to see who, although one is doing a good job of pretending) are wondering "how did I get dragged into this? And why did I pay money to get up at 4 am to get bussed up a canyon and freeze for hours before running 13.1 miles??"

They started the race in two waves, and we went with the second. The first few miles were awesome, I barely even felt like I was running. The canyon was gorgeous, it was just wonderful. Except that my sister and mom got lost behind my aunt and me somewhere. Then at mile 4 my aunt started slowing up a bit, but waved for me to keep my pace. I decided to keep going since we'd already lost my mom and sister miles before this point.

Then I hit mile 6 and oh. my. heck. (Yes, I'm from Utah.) I started having crazy pain in the weirdest places. The backs of my ankles and lower calves, my hip flexors--just random, strange places where I'd never had pain before. Ever. I'd never hurt so bad running before, and I have no idea why it happened to me on race day. My 10 mile run the week before had felt great, so I was not expecting this run to be so hard. At least, not at mile 6.


Here I am, pausing for a quick picture by stunning Bridal Veil Falls, more than half way through the race.

By mile 7 and 8 I was running out steam already. WHAT THE...?? This was NOT supposed to happen. I'd trained, I'd felt great on all of my long runs, I couldn't figure out what was going on. I kept going, forcing myself to keep running even though I was so tempted to walk. Especially when more and more people around me began walking instead of running. At mile 9 I texted my husband and told him I was completely out of energy. Somehow I kept going, thinking "I can do hard things" and finding good songs on my playlist to keep me motivated.

Then I hit mile 11. I was dying. The pain was horrible, my legs felt like someone had beat me with a sledgehammer, and I was beyond exhausted. I'd never had this hard of a time on a run, ever. Did I mention that already? Well, it's true. I thought to myself: I can either give up and switch off walking and running the rest of the way and at least I'll finish; or I can somehow find the energy to push through this and keep running. I wanted so badly to run the whole way. Then it hit me.

I dedicated this race to Josh and Megan, and was I going to give up now, when I was this close?

I'd gone and visited him the night before my race at the cancer institute to celebrate his 24th birthday. I thought of him up there, fighting cancer, strong and brave and so positive, and I told myself, "if he can fight this cancer, I can run this race!" And suddenly, I could. I had tears in my eyes, but I was able to push through and found reserves of energy I didn't know I had. For the last 2.1 miles whenever the exhaustion and pain crept back in, I thought of Josh, and I told myself, "he's going to beat this cancer, and I'm going to run this race!"

And I did.



This is such a goofy picture of me, but it shows the energy I somehow found for the end of the race. The finish was just ahead, and I caught sight of my beautiful little family cheering for me, and I was cheering back and waving. SonA came running to me, grabbed my hand, and ran the rest of the way to the finish with me.

It was amazing, and such an incredibly touching experience. Josh, somehow you got me through this race. Your courage and strength inspired me, and pushed me on. I ran for you.





After the finish with my awesome new medal. I finished in 2:27:37, averaging an 11:17 mile. I know that's not too impressive to all my running friends (I'm looking at you Ally-Miss-7:30-minute-mile! Dang, girl!), but for me, I was so happy with this time for my first race, 4 months and one day after having my baby girl. I've only been running for a year and three months, and nine of the months I was pregnant. ;)

Afterwards, with all of us (my bro-in-law rode up with us and ran it, too, but he's speedy and went in the first group). Only after the race did my Aunt tell us she'd also run the race for Josh. You may notice her shoes are off, and if you look closely, her socks are soaked in blood. She had to run with her shoes off the last mile, with every toe bleeding to finish the race. Later, she and my parents went up to Huntsmans where she gave Josh her medal, and told him next year, he's running it with us. It was a very emotional and amazing day.

And here's the even greater news:

(Friday night at Huntsmans with Josh and Megan, celebrating his birthday.)

On Friday, Josh was supposed to do another round of chemo. Instead, he spiked yet another fever, and the doctor's decided they needed to do another PET scan and bone marrow biopsy. They believed his cancer was progressing even faster than they thought and that's what was causing the fevers. In a complete miracle, Josh found out on Saturday, after we ran our race, that instead of progressing, his cancer is getting the *&$% beat out of it!! ALL of his tumors are gone. COMPLETELY GONE. He still has some cancer cells, but they believe after he finishes his chemo treatments, and does his bone marrow transplant, that the cancer will be completely eradicated.

Miracles happen. We are witnessing one right now. I know all of the prayers and faith of those surrounding him and Megan are being answered.

Remember my last post? How I said, "we can do hard things"? Well, we did.

I'm gonna love you through it...

Wanna know a secret? Sometimes "Life" isn't fair. Sometimes we have to do hard things. Sometimes we choose to do hard things, and sometimes we don't get a choice.

I am running a half marathon (my first ever) on Saturday morning. One day after Baby Girl turns 4 months old. It has been an intense goal to meet in such a short time after her birth, and I've spent quite a few runs repeating my mantra in my mind: "I can do hard things."

But now it's here, and I can't wait. I may not be the fastest, or in the best shape, but I am determined to finish. Isn't that what really counts in the end? To run a good race--and to finish the race?

I have pursued publication for years. Has it been hard? Yes. Have I had some blows that were so rough that I could barely drag myself back up? Yes. Am I still going, working, dreaming, actively pursuing my goal--my lifelong dream of being published? Yes, I am. Because I can do hard things.

But suddenly, none of these things matter that much when a truly HARD thing hits someone you love. Something they have no control over, that they had no choice in having to deal with. I chose to sign up for this race, I chose to pursue publication. My beautiful cousin and her husband DID NOT CHOOSE to have to do something this hard. I'd like you to meet Megan and Josh:
This was their gorgeous wedding day, two years ago. A beautiful young couple, full of hope and life and promise and joy.

This is them just last March (and my sister and her DH as well).

Just before they went to Mexico to celebrate their 2nd anniversary recently. they discovered a lump in Josh's throat. They (and their doctor) believed it to be a brachial cleft cyst, because I'd had one just like it when I was a teenager and that is what it ended up being. He'd been training for an intense cycling race called Lotoja, and so it was decided they'd wait to operate until he did his race. After they got back from Mexico, Josh completed his race. He did great the first two legs, but by the end of the third one he was extremely sick and exhausted. However, after riding a bike for hundreds of miles, who could blame him? Or so they thought... until another lump showed up in his collarbone area.

The doctors immediately decided it was probably cancer and that they needed to operate and biopsy it to find out.

Fast forward a month and a half... and he is in a fight for his life. He has a very rare form of lymphoma. It is stage IV and has spread to his bones already. He's getting an aggressive form of chemo every other week. This last week was especially hard, as he's been violently ill with terrifyingly high fevers. They even did an appendectomy and it still didn't help. He's finally doing a bit better again, and will be able to continue his chemo this week. Once he finished chemo, he is going to need a bone marrow transplant and will spend at least a month in the hospital, most likely over the holidays.

Suddenly, the things I thought were hard? Not so much. I love these two so much. They are amazing people. They have shown nothing but courage, faith, love, and graciousness in the face of devastating and frightening blow after blow.

Can we do hard things? Yes, we can. Can he beat this cancer? YES HE CAN. Megan posted this video on FB last night, and it moved me to tears. Even though it's about women with cancer, it obviously can be switched around, as Megan is the one loving Josh through this.

I am now dedicating my race to Megan and Josh. No matter how hard it is, how my body aches, how tired I feel, I am going to push through it with a prayer of gratitude for a healthy body that can take me through all 13.1 miles.

Josh, I know you are going to beat this. We are all praying for you, cheering for you, here for you. Day or night. And I hope that all my followers will be willing to add their own faith and prayers to all those who are already rooting for you.

We're ALL going to love you and Megan through this... because we can all do hard things.

Summer is drawing to a close...

If you wonder where I've been, here's a snapshot...

Cherishing my time with this little one. (Or trying to anyway, in between the hectic life of taking care of two young boys and my house and the revision I'm trying to work on for my agent and the half marathon I'm training for [which I signed up for in October in an apparent moment if insanity, but I'm excited to accomplish something that hard], and yeah. Oh, and SHH just found out he's going to be traveling for work again a whole bunch. Yikes. Busy much? Oh my. So if I'm still sporadic with blogging for a while, you'll know why. I am reading your blogs as much as I can, I just don't have any extra time to comment very often, so I apologize for that. But I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it all and still be the kind of mom I want to be. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

However I did sneak out for Kiersten White's signing for SUPERNATURALLY--another NY Times Bestseller! Woohoo! Congrats Kiersten, I'm so happy for you.

So what are you doing these last few weeks of summer?