Friday Musings

Whoa. What the haystack happened to blogger? I'm somewhat bewildered right now. I go to write a blog post and the whole thing is different.

Anyway, so I guess I'm still doing the race tomorrow. Regardless of my lack of training because of everything that has happened in the last couple of months and my achilles tendon bugging me, I will be there bright and early, and I will finish. I might just be REALLY slow, heh.

But that brings me to what I've been thinking about a lot this week. The day before my last race (my first half-marathon ever) was Josh's birthday. It was the first time he'd been admitted to the hospital with complications with his chemo. It was the first time those horrible fevers showed up--and then never went away. We took Baby Girl with us and headed up to the hospital to visit him, to take him a little present and some ice cream for his birthday. I dedicated that last race to him, believing 100% that he would be running the Halloween Half with us next time.

I still can't believe he's really gone.

He got me through that last race. I'd never gone that far in my life, and it was a really rough run for some reason. I started to lose energy at mile 5, which was crazy. My 11 mile run two weeks before was cake in comparison (only the last mile was hard). But the thought of him fighting cancer, of how I'd dedicated my race to him is what got me through it. I had tears in my eyes for the last three miles and I had this burst of energy every time I thought about him and that's how I finished strong.

I think every race I ever run will remind me of him, since he got me through my first. The pain of his loss is still fresh, and tomorrow will be an emotional day for me I think. But maybe this time he will be running it with me, just not in the way I'd hoped.

I love you and miss you Josh. We all do. 

Going Forward

I'm going to be honest, I don't know what to post about today.

I'm sure you are all tired of reading about how sad I am, or how much I hate cancer, or anything else like that. This is an author blog after all. But I can't seem to think of what else to blog about that doesn't seem disrespectful in a way. My last two posts were about Josh and Megan, and then to just jump right back into normal posts, trying to be entertaining, somewhat funny, and also inspiring... I can't seem to do it yet.

So instead you get this rambling post. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a very small way, this is a metaphor for life. How long do you allow yourself to mourn, to hold on to the pain, to be afraid to smile, to laugh, to experience joy in abundance? I know Josh would want us all to be happy. But the pain of his loss is still a hole that is there every time I turn around. My heart aches for Megan. But we all have to keep going forward. It will be easier for me than for her. I love Josh, but he was her everything. And yet, she is already such an example. She is already able to smile, to laugh, to joke. Not often, not exuberantly, but she can do it. She is amazing. At the luncheon after the funeral her belt kept coming undone, and she grinned at us and said, "Josh keeps trying to undress me. Oh, Josh." I love that girl and her indomitable spirit.

So, in line with my normal Monday posts, here is a quote that I just found:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,
ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

sometimes the answer is no

In Loving Memory of
Joshua Lloyd

We prayed for a miracle, that Josh would be healed. Yesterday, as we drove home from the hospital after saying goodbye to him, my husband told me that he wonders if death is as miraculous as birth--just not for those of us who are left behind. He wasn't healed the way we were hoping, but we know he is now free from pain and suffering. He is more healed than we can imagine. He has been welcomed home by his Heavenly Father and loving Savior. He loved Megan so much, and wanted to live so badly, but it was not to be.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts on their behalf. Please continue to remember Megan as she endures this trial.

Josh, we love you. You were an amazing example of faith, of determination, of fighting the good fight. You and Megan have a love that is rare and beautiful--love that lasts through eternity. Stay close to her, be her angel.

We will miss you.

In need of a miracle

Last night we all went to dinner with Megan to celebrate her birthday (it's this weekend).

Here is my cute cousin holding Baby Girl last night. That grin on Megan's face is hiding an enormous amount of heartache and fear.

We just got the news that the HLH is attacking Josh's liver and he is now in liver failure. He's been in the ICU for quite some time now, trying to get him stable enough for his bone marrow transplant, but things keep getting worse. They can't do the transplant with his liver failing, and he won't survive without the transplant. The doctors told Megan that she should consider taking him home.

But we aren't ready to give up just yet. We are asking, one last time, for prayers, fasting, even just thoughts on their behalf--whatever you believe, whatever you are willing to do. He's only 24, he's so strong and so young. It doesn't feel right to throw in the towel.

I personally believe in miracles. I believe in the power of prayer. I never intended to use my blog for religious purposes, but I am a person of faith. And I believe in the power of faith--especially when many can join together. We love Megan and Josh so much, and we are hoping and praying that he can get a miracle. That's what it will take at this point.

We love you guys. We are praying for you.

Monday Motivation: Fighter

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

I had a whole post thought out with this quote. About life, about fear, about the different directions our paths take and the trials we often face.

But my thoughts are pretty much centered on Josh and Megan right now. I told you all last week about him having a bone marrow transplant to save his life... well, unfortunately, he ended up so sick he is back in the ICU and the doctors are really struggling to know what to do. It's pretty scary to destroy someone's immune system to do a transplant when they are so sick they can't breathe on their own.

But he is a fighter. He keeps looking fear in the face and then punching it in the nose. Even though some might have given up by now, he is doing the things others think he can't do and continues to fight. We all believe he's going to win--to beat this thing. Despite all the odds stacked against him. Despite fevers so high they don't even register on the thermometer. (Yep, it just said "high." After an ice bath and tylenol it CAME DOWN to 110 degrees F.) He keeps on fighting.

But geez, can the poor guy just get a break?

On a lighter note, kind of makes the thought of hitting "send" on that email to query that agent you've been procrastinating for weeks now look a little bit easier, doesn't it? Yes, you. The one who just glanced guiltily at the tab for their inbox. Do it. Look fear in the face and go for it.

P.S. a recap of LTUE is on the horizon, so watch for that. It was my first time going, and let's just say, it's a weekend I won't be forgetting any time soon.

Friday Four or Five

1. I hear it's snowing a lot around the country. Not here. Nope. It's so spring like here I'm afraid the trees are going to start budding. And then the snow will hit in April or something and when the pools are supposed to open in June, they'll be buried under two feet of snow. Hopefully not. But I'm slightly concerned.

2. Sometimes I set goals for myself that are a little bit crazy. And then I scramble around trying to figure out how to get everything done (because I've set myself up for failure by trying to do too many things at once) and I end up forgetting things like showering or sending a check for lunch money to school with my son or returning my library books. #totalstepfordwifefail (At least they still let him eat lunch, but the library account isn't looking so hot. I could buy a book for the price of all the fines I accrued, dang it.)

3. Today I take Baby Girl in for a repeat echo on her heart. One of the holes she was born with constricted her aorta when it closed. Today they are making sure that corrected itself in the last few months. Fingers are tightly crossed for good news.

4. Miracles exist and my cousin's husband is one of them. He is out of the ICU, he is getting a little bit stronger every day--he IS going to beat this cancer. I just know it. Thank you all SO so much for your prayes and thoughts. He's still got a long road ahead, but I know he can make it.

5. There isn't really anything else that can top that last one. It should be my one and only thought for the day, really. So I'm going to stop now.

What's on your mind today?

Update

For all of my wonderful friends who are fasting and/or praying for Josh and Megan, he is making forward progress!! He responded to her today, squeezing her hand and even giving her a smile. He's also starting to fight the ventilator (which is why his hands are strapped down). We are hoping he will continue to fight back, and get better and better! Meg told us yesterday was one of the worst days of her life. She could barely get out of bed this morning she was so exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Her mom was at the hospital with him early this morning, and couldn't get him to respond to anything (they'd lowered his sedation just slightly to see if he'd respond to commands) -- until she told him she was going to go get Meg. Then he squeezed her hand so tight. That story alone is what got Megan out of bed and rushing to his side.

They love each other so much, and I know that love, and the prayers and the love of all those around them (those who know them and those who are praying for them just because you know some of us who love them) are making all the difference!! Thank you all so much! Please continue to keep them in your thoughts and prayers. It is a VERY long road ahead, but we are grateful today for tender mercies and tiny victories. :) We love you guys!!